I have been sitting here for a while now,
trying to find the words to explain two thousand and seventeen.
It was tough.
I am not saying it was bad.
I birthed our second child on valentine’s day.
Freaking valentine’s day.
The day we celebrate love, God brought new life into our world.
Amazing.
I wish I could list out every single sweet moment that was had in 2017,
I am legitimately grateful for all of them.
It was also a year full of what felt like struggle upon struggle and battle upon battle.
For the first time in our seven year relationship (4 years married),
Zach and I could not find our rhythm.
That’s probably vague.
Another way I could put it, would be to say that we were listening to two completely different songs, in two different genres, with completely different instruments and vocals.
And also, the artists who sang each of our songs had a major feud and we sided with each of our chosen artist's.
Makes sense, right?
Right.
There are a number of different things that can cause distance in a relationship.
Sometimes a bomb is dropped.
One person comes in and gives news of an action committed, that is devastating to the relationship.
This creates distance, a gaping hole, an enormous barrier of intimacy.
That is not mine and Zach’s story but when I would close my eyes and envision my relationship with my husband, I kept seeing this huge mountain.
And I thought, what is this and how did this get here?
As I looked closer into that ‘mountain’ I didn’t see one massive stone,
I saw a million little rocks.
Harsh words,
Disrespect,
Prioritizing other things over our connection,
Putting down things that he enjoys,
Forgetting to enjoy him,
Blowing off date night,
Arguments about laundry and dishes and bullshit.
Parenting as individuals, not a team.
Some rocks were bigger than others but it took a lot of them to create this mountain between us.
Meanwhile, we had both decided to deal with this by ‘praying it away’.
We dedicated to saying ‘God MOVE this mountain, we need it moved because it is to big for us to handle.’
We would do that, feel really great and two days later find ourselves back in the throws of battle.
Frustration doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.
We were not at all blameless for any of this but our hearts were breaking, in the midst of it.
We had a closeness that we were never able to explain.
We have two beautiful, incredible babies that were made from our oneness.
We were looking at each other, with a genuine love for one another and at the same time, completely unable to understand why the other was hurt, or angry or resentful.
We were praying but clearly still living in the shadow of this beast of a mountain.
-
One night, we were sitting on opposite couches just silent. Not a word and I couldn’t even hear him taking breaths.
And then the silence broke with Zach’s voice.
Which, to be honest didn’t surprise me.
I have to say that in all of this, Zach never quit.
No matter how tough or angry or how much I blew up or shut down,
Zach never stopped in his efforts to draw near to me.
He never stopped putting whatever he had left out there for me, and now I can’t look back on that without crying because wow, what an incredible human.
Anyway.
And then the silence broke with Zach’s voice.
He started praying but it sounded nothing like the lines we had trained ourselves to repeat.
He said
‘God, You possessing the ability to move mountains does not mean that you are required to.
with You, we will climb this mountain.’
All along we just wanted it to go away and be removed from us so that we could continue on in our marriage.
Though it was hard, God had to bring us to the point of realizing that there was only one way to the other side.
We had to climb.
So we started with one foot in front of the other.
One conversation and then another.
We climbed insecurities and bitterness and frustration and post partum anxiety and laziness and being pissed off and being hurt and feeling unheard and
missing each other.
That was literally one of the things that we realized.
We both really missed each other.
So then we started climbing on top of each other (HA! TMI? Probably. No regrets).
I have been sitting here for a while now,
finding the words to explain two thousand and seventeen.
Yes, it was tough but wow was it worth it.
Working towards a connected and intimate marriage is never done.
But I can say that when I close my eyes today
I don’t see mountains or barriers,
I feel his hand in mine.
And for that, I have never been so grateful.
Always Love,
Haley Gay
