white walls

The holes I'm staring at remind me of the first couple of weeks that I lived here.

Zach and I had just gotten settled in from our honeymoon and my only job was to make this place feel like home. My first priority was the walls. The empty, white walls surrounded me and I felt excitement. A giant canvas to create our home. I hung up photos, art, shelves, coffee mugs, lights, posters, tree branches, flags and mirrors. I love for a room to be visually stimulating, where you can walk in and ten things catch your eye. And though it doesn't have a ton of walls, we fell in love with this tiny apartment. It went from a strangers house to the haven we craved to return to.

I'm not able to count the memories that these walls hold. Within them we danced and laughed until we cried. We blew up the air mattress for no reason except to put it in front of the TV and binge watch netflix for an entire weekend. Within these walls we made chili and love. We prayed, celebrated birthdays, holidays and the winner of american idol. We cried over fights, missing people we love and the series finale of HIMYM. This city is a blast and we are going to miss the great friends we have made, that have blessed us so much. In thirty five hours we leave the city that my husband has lived for four years. Tomorrow he will drive onto the air force base for the last time as a United States Airman. It's hard not to break down just typing that, thinking about the sacrifices he has made and the four year journey we have been on throughout our time in the military. He is excited for the next steps in his life, mainly growing a yeard (a year long beard). I am so honored and proud to be the person he chose.

We leave in thirty five hours and it is heavy on my heart to leave the first home I shared with my husband. The moments we shared here are forever ingrained. I sit here now and once again, the white walls surround me. In a way, it hurts to see them so bare again but then I scan our home and can remember specific moments and conversations that filled the space in between these walls. I can see Zach grabbing me and us dancing to my favorite song, I look and remember cooking dinner and laughing with him.

I see the exact place I found out that I'm going to be a mom and where I told me husband he was going to be a dad.

I am so grateful.

I will never forget this place, these walls,

our home. 

-haley

everything changed

i met Zach when i was sixteen and he was seventeen.

i was at my best friends house and he came over with one of our close friends.

the only thing i can truly remember about that day was that we played basketball,

boys vs girls and we (the girls) lost.

Zach and I didn't actually start dating until the May after my freshman year of college. 

On that day, in my friends driveway nothing felt significant,

I actually only remember being pissed that they beat us.

Looking back, I love to imagine God being out there with us,

watching Zach and I meet for the first time.

A moment He planned since before we were born.

I love to think that He laughed a little at our dismissal of one another and lovingly thought,

you have no idea how much you will change each other's lives.

I love that we had two years of friendship before we started dating

but I always wished I could go back to that moment with God's perspective.

At sixteen I was not thinking about significant encounters, but God was.

He took two years to prepare my eighteen year old heart to take the first steps

of what would be a lifetime with this man.

At eighteen i couldn't have guessed how our story would have played out.

Falling in love with Zach was the messiest and most beautiful thing

i have ever encountered. 

When my eyes were opened to the fact that he was the one my heart loved and longed for,

everything changed. 

Throughout every step, it has felt like we couldn't possibly love each other more.

Dating, getting engaged, getting married, every time our hearts grew

closer and closer,

stronger and stronger.

But now here we are and our hearts have completely exploded.

God started a work in us on a driveway seven years ago

that eventually became the marriage we have today and

has now created life.

Before, the love God created in us could only be felt by our hearts,

but now I can feel it in my stomach.

In June we will be able to see our love in human form,

in our baby.

just yet

October came and went.

As soon as I wrote my last blog it felt like time slowed down,

a lot.

The days seemed longer and the weather is definitely colder.

Zach and I are moving back to Texas in December and for anyone who has made a big move, you know there are so many mixed emotions that come with that.

Excitement for the new home and sadness for the one you're leaving behind. I am not dealing with those emotions just yet.

I know that in the coming weeks there will be both kinds of tears but October wasn't for that. Like I said, the fall isn't for looking back or looking ahead, it's for right now. And today I spent my time watching over kids that I have come to absolutely adore, having dinner with my husband and thinking I should probably shave my legs soon.

I haven't written this month because I really wasn't pushing myself to thoughts much deeper than that. And for a short time, that's alright with me.

Limbo is the word that came to my mind a lot in the last month. Functioning during this in between time of anticipating a move and enjoying the last memories of this home have been sweet and confusing.

In one month, when we move I will let all of these emotions come over me and I'm sure, will throw them up here,

but until then I am content.

Last night, we were sitting in our little apartment eating dinner and I was overwhelmed with the feeling of contentment.

Realizing that big life changes are welcome when you have, so much grace from God and so much love for the person you are facing all of it with. 

-haley

one inhale

Yesterday was the first official day of fall. I sometimes cannot believe how much different life can be from one year to the next. On this day last year I wrote a blog, talking about how Zach and I had just conquered our longest consecutive hangout streak (22 days)! Now being over a year married, that is so crazy to me, but also a great reminder of how God gave us exactly the amount of strength we needed to go through being apart for so long. Also, I didn't share the news on the blog at the time, but that was also the day we found out we were no longer going to Europe for three years! What a great day. Flash forward three hundred and sixty five days and here we are. This day wasn't as exciting as that day but it is was a beautiful day.

In thinking about the seasons changing, I have come to the realization that I have never fully appreciated the fall months like i should. During my four years in college, the fall meant waking up at 5:30am to work out. Maybe that's what tainted fall for me? But even without the brutal hours, I think it is natural for most of us to glance over fall, in anticipation for the holiday season!

I know for me last year, autumn was a challenging time. I was really struggling with transitioning into a new place and not to mention, a totally new roommate. I spent my time counting down the days until holidays would come so we could see our families. There is nothing wrong with being excited to see loved ones, but like it was told to me a thousand times in softball,

we can't count the days, we have to make the days count.

Looking back, at where I was a year ago, I am so thankful to have struggled through some of those challenges, because I learned so much.

But this year is different.

I want to spend the next two months resting and rejuvenating. Unfortunately, the holiday season can be a time of stress. Sometimes we feel like it's ok because we are stressing about "good things", like gifts, food, plane tickets, scheduling, etc. And it's all in the name of being with the one's we love! But nonetheless, whether your making the turkey, trying to figure out what to buy for twenty people, designing the Christmas card or just hoping your fantasy team will pull through, stress will more than likely try to creep up!

So let's enjoy the fall for what it is,

not a time to "gear up" for the coming months but a time to do things that allow our souls to grow,

things that we love.

Eat dinner outside, read a great book, join a yoga class, play on a softball team, hug your babies more, light a million candles, dance with your person, go to bed earlier, go to bed later, spend mornings with Jesus, cry, laugh, picnic, take a photo everyday.

Clear out the all of the voices in your head that talk to you about your short comings and inabilities.

I want to take really long, deep breaths and remember that, whether today we are celebrating, crying, laughing or just sitting on the couch and watching tv,

it is a beautiful life and I want to experience it one inhale at a time.

-haley

recognizing it

Seven year old-"when it's summer it's to hot so I want it to be winter and when it's winter it's to cold so I want it to be summer"

Me-"you can't always wish away the season that you're in, you just have to try and enjoy it."

As soon as my response came out of my mouth I knew I wasn't talking about the weather any more.

Enjoying the season of life that you are in can be incredibly easy or enormously challenging. We live in a world of comparison.

The number one reason for comparison used to be people in magazines, how they look and the fact that we don't look that way.

But a new movement, bringing the realities of air brushing to light, has helped that catalyst for comparison to die down.

What has come up in it's place? Social media.

I love social media. I love seeing pictures of my family and friends, I love sharing with a community in an easy way.

There are truly so many positive things that come from connecting through social media.

Comparison is not one of them.

A lot of times, it isn't our intention but other times we can feel ourselves doing it. Mentally, we are making a bulletin board of our lives and putting them beside someone else's, with a 'vs' between the two.

Over time this way of thinking starts to eat away at our confidence and most often, comes up in hurtful ways.

It's the annoyance of feeling like someone else's marriage seems more romantic than your own. It's the struggle of the new mom who feels insecure about her body and it's the sadness of the person who is lonely, once again 'liking' someone else's engagement announcement.

Comparing myself to others sometimes feels out of my control.

The thought happens so quickly I almost don't even recognize it. But when I was explaining to a seven year old to 'enjoy the season she's in', it hit me.

When I am envious of someone else's circumstance, I am not appreciating my own.

And even though some seasons of life are as cold as ice, they are NOT without purpose. 

No experience, struggle or hurt is ever waisted on you.

God has given us fellowship with others so that we can run this race together. 

Not to slow up, look up and down and think "she has at least ten pounds on me" NO!

It's so that we can encourage each other.

In closing the door to comparison, we open up room for way more love.

and love always wins.

-haley

year one

Z,

I can't put into words what the last 365 days have meant to me. 

God's promise of abundant life becomes something I can feel,

when I reach out and touch you. 

You have a strong heart and a compassion for people that inspires me.

I am constantly learning from you.

Three hundred and sixty six days ago, I thought I knew what marriage would be like.

This last year of marriage has not been what I predicted but it has been exactly what God planned. 

At times we were frustrated and confused.

Wanting to communicate our hurts and fears but having no clue how to do that.

Other times, we have been dancing on the moon together.

God knew that we needed to work through and experience these different emotions to begin building a strong, sustaining marriage, and I am grateful for all of it. Every high and low in the last year has brought us to today.

I can hardly believe it. 

Z, thank you for being you, because that is literally my favorite person in the world.

Being your wife is my greatest treasure.

Your love changes me.

I chose you then and I will choose you every single day of my life.

i love you

Hay

a favorite tool

As we have heard and read, worrying cannot add an hour to our lives.

what worry adds, is weight to our shoulders and pain to our chest.

it does not aid in realizing a solution and it hinders in finding peace.

Worry takes from us, in little and big ways.

It can steal the sweetness of the day to day moments that we experience and it can keep us away from the people we care about.

Worry makes its presence known.

My group of friends used to joke about me and one of my best friends

being to worry free. Terms like flower-children were thrown around to emphasize

our care free mentalities.

Anxiety has never been a daily struggle in my life, as i know it is for some.

But it has reared it's ugly head in certain hard times of my life and again, just recently. 

it is one of the devil's favorite tools.

probably because it tricks us into thinking that we have no control.

we think in ways of, 'my situation makes me worry',

we become victims of our circumstances. 

"all our actions come from one of two basic emotions--fear or love.."*

A person who acts in love does not only show love to others

but is confident in the One who loves them. 

illness, tragedy, deadlines, money, lack of companionship, crisis.

So many hardships enter into our lives that are beyond our control.

But we do have a choice in how we respond,

we have a choice in our actions.

Acting in fear takes away abundant life and brings anger, judgement and bitterness.

Stepping out in love gives us hope, joy and freedom.

When fear is present, let it be overcome with

trust in the One who holds the future. 

-Haley

*-quote by Bill Johnson from the book Hosting the Presence 

our trip where we gained a new sis

i officially have another sister! 

we just got back from an eleven day trip to the greatest state in this country. 

We were able to spend quality time with family and friends, though it never seems like enough time.

Our family lives all over the country and because of that, there aren't alot of times, we're all together.

I'm not going to lie, it sucks.

It is hard to listen to people who complain about the "fights" they have over their weekly family dinners;

when our family is just yearning to be in each other's presence.

It is hard to be away from people you love.

But there is something that we gain.

We truly appreciate our time together.

When we are together, we are reminded of our priorities.

This weekend was an incredible moment for us,

we gained a new member to our family and

our name.

With their union, Zach and his siblings have all found their partners in life.

Claire is not just the right fit, she is the only fit.

Their wedding was hot and gorgeous, just as their marriage will be.
I had the honor of doing their rehersal dinner video and I want to share it with you here

We love you both!

And to our families, we will see you soon.

-zach and hay

(i dont have alot of photos because i stayed away from the camera this trip but here are a few!)

ten months

ten months of marriage.

so close to a year!

ten lessons I've learned in ten months.

1. zach is the funniest human being on earth

--i knew zach was funny but now that i live with him i've realized, there is no one who can make me laugh harder.

2. don't leave the apartment in the middle of a fight

--go to a different room, yes. but for us, leaving can't happen. we both get really hurt by it and it is the most unproductive action we can take. 

3. alone time is healthy

--we are together a lot but it is good to get away from everything and just think or listen to music or be with Jesus.

4. praying always works better than complaining

--i have tried to nag about things i wish zach would do or not do and the change doesn't last. but when i ask God to change mine or his heart about the situation, there is always a change and it sticks!

5. zach has my back

--the unity that has come about, in the last ten months is incredible and there have been moments where i am reminded that Zach will always be there for me. 

6. it is okay to fail

--we say stuff we don't mean, we yell and cry, it happens. expecting perfection is unfair.

7. it's not always fair

--sometimes i feel like i deserve things from Zach and it doesn't happen. I'm sure he feels the same way. Learning to love him even in moments when it doesn't feel fair has brought so many blessings.

8. my words carry a lot of weight with him

--one careless sentence from my mouth can stick with him even when i have long forgotten about it. The same with encouragement, everyone can say how great i did, but it is just different when it comes from him. 

9. nights that include sweats, pizza and watching tv on the couch next to him have been some of our greatest.

--after a long week, sometimes simple is what we need. staying in on a friday night shouldn't mean we're lame and if it does, than i love being lame.

10. loving him is a privilege

--God chose me to love this guy, it's a freaking blessing!

Here's to making more mistakes, memories and learning a million more lessons!

-hay

my wife

Today is my wife's birthday.

i wanted to write (or blog as the kids say) about her.

What she means to me and how God can change your life when your 1, or over 1000 miles away.

Haley Madison Gay was born on June 17th 1991 in Dallas ,Texas.

And on that day my life changed forever,

without me having the slightest clue to what was happening,

in that hospital room at Presbyterian Dallas.

She was born 7 pounds 3 ounces. 

She was made from my rib. 

She is my forever. 

She is my wife. 

I truly believe God has made someone for everyone. 

Someone to hold and steal kisses from, to talk to and laugh with.

To cry with and be best friends with.

To start a family with, love God together and pray together.

The person you want to do everything with,

because when you do them alone, it's never the same. 

I am just so fortunate that i found the One I'm supposed to spend my life with at such an early age.

I get to spend so many years and decades with her.

But it truly doesn't matter,

i could spend a thousand centuries with this amazing creature of the Lord's, and still have not spent enough time with her.

But back to why i am writing this blog. 

It is her 23rd birthday, and the 22nd year of her life was so amazing and eventful.

 Our wedding, her graduating from college and her moving to DC to start our life together.

She wrote all about that in her blog last week, if you missed that

scroll down and read it because my wife is an amazing writer.

If you haven't noticed, i ramble a bit but stay with me. 

Its her birthday and i wanted to write a blog to let y'all know how amazing this woman is.

And i realize, most of the people who read this are our family or close friends.

We are truly grateful for y'all and deeply appreciate your continued prayers and support of us and our love story.

But honestly y'all don't know how amazing Hay is at being my wife and loving me every day.

She is always taking care of me and giving me encouragement.

She makes my lunch and kisses me good bye in the morning with these kisses that are so sad to see me go kisses, but so proud of me for being her husband and working to provide for our family kisses.

And she gives me these huge whopper kisses when we see each other at night, after a long day of missing one another and just yearning to spend all day together.

She asks how my day is, not just to ask, but because she cares.

We pray together over our days and the food that she prepares.

Guys seriously my wife is amazing.

Everyday i fall more and more in love with her and feel so blessed to be with this woman of God.

And no I'm not naive, we do have our arguments and we do fight.

But being newlyweds isn't a time frame, it's a way of thinking and a lifestyle.

I have seen it in Hay's parents, in mine, and in both sets of my grandparents.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by marriages,

where it doesn't matter how long they've been together,

they still hold hands, they still kiss all the time (or poot and noodle, as my Mommom calls it),

They laugh and have each others backs,

and are each others best friend.

Hay and i know how blessed we are to have these examples of God given love in our lives.

So back to her birthday,

it's been an amazing 9 months and 16 days being married,

and its only gonna get better.

I'm only going to learn more about this woman i call Hay, Wife, Love, Sweety, Hun, and Big Momma. 

Happy Birthday Haley, you truly are my prayers come true.

-Z

significant

i will be twenty two for four more days.

every birthday, i take time to think about the 12 months i lived,

adding another year to my life.

I think about the fun moments and the sad.

What i did right and what i want to do better next time.

The twenty second year of my life has been the most significant.   

The first thing that comes to the mind is my wedding. obviously.

Our wedding on September first was an incredible event,

but the significance comes from my marriage.

Being a wife changes me, every day.

my mom has always told my sisters and i,

that outside of your decision to follow Christ,

picking your spouse is the most important choice you will ever make.

when i was letting that sink in at fifteen,

i had no idea that i would be making that decision

seven years later.

some have thought that twenty two is not the age

that someone should be making that choice,

but wow i am so glad that i did. 

this year of my life has been filled with so many different changes

to my circumstances, my environment and my soul.

my three hundred and sixty one days as a twenty two year old

have been some of the toughest, most challenging and greatest of my life.

I do not know what my twenty third year has waiting for me

but i know that God does.

that's enough for me.

 -haley

embrace the camera

if i had a photographic memory, i wouldn't have to take so many photos.

i love a great photo and today, more people are taking photos than ever before.

i started carrying my camera everywhere when i started college.

i caught every moment.

to recall the big moments, a photographic mind is not necessary. 

but when i look through the stills and the film, it is the little moments.

it is the walk to practice when we cannot stop laughing,

the study breaks and the wine nights. writing a song together and

crying over our favorite movie.

embrace the camera.

when parents are laughing at some weird inside joke

and have no idea of how much their love for one another inspires you.

embrace the camera

when you and your siblings are all wearing ridiculous matching sweaters.

embrace the camera.

when your man doesn't feel like saying cheese, that's fine

(he will look sexy with his serious face on).

embrace the camera.

whether you have a nikon 900xqefazkjgrtjlngwklrtjn or just your phone

embrace the camera.

in the past i have let my own insecurities get in the way of saving memories.

i have looked at images and decided my arm is a large salami and my ass

as wide as a house.

but that is not what it is about.

will i ever be at a point where i look in the mirror and say,

"wow...i would literally change nothing about what im seeing!"

probably not.

and that is all the reason to not discourage yourself!

when i look at a photo and feel memories, i am not thinking about my appearance,

im actually not thinking about me at all.

im taken back to that moment in time,

what we were doing, why we were laughing or

why we weren't. 

i am so thankful for 'ugly' photos and the decision to

embrace the camera. 

-hay

bikini family pic lol nobody LOVED it

freshman

she was annoyed

we were taking a stroll

homeless

my first collegiate game

this guy friend ended up being my husband

hadn't seen each other in 2 months and were wearing the same thing

these two

she was amazed

best blur ever

she hated this

^^ he was tired ^^

fiesta

i look like a gnome, he still looks at me like this

^^dying our hair^^

they were tired

a great lesson

its funny because we looked like dudes

hated my brown hair..love this photo

he didn't want to say cheese :)