new name...same me

I have been Haley Madison Lemons for..well, my whole life. Last week the women working at the Social Security office said to me,

"Haley Lemons is no longer a legal name, we will send you a new Social Security card within five business days, thank you Mrs. Gay."

I was taken back. Her tone was so abrupt in nature, as if that sentence was basic protocol and she said it one hundred times a day. Of course, I have been Haley Gay in God's eyes since September 1st, but hearing that sentence made it so real. I put my hand over my heart and took a deep breath, just having a moment, saying goodbye to my birth name. The name I shared with cousins, sisters, parents and grandparents. The name that has been called out by teachers, friends and angry coaches for such a long time.

  I was proud to bear that name for twenty two years.

Of course my precious moment was halted, in about two seconds with a loud "NEXT" in my ear. You can imagine how hectic the social security offices are right now.

On my walk back to our apartment I called my mom and told her about my experience. I then started unravelling so many emotions I didn't even realize that I had. Stressing about mine and Zach's future, where we are going to live, what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. Putting unnecessary pressure on myself about so many different things.

Anxiety is not a familiar territory for me so when I feel it coming on I get overwhelmed.

My mom started talking to me about my senior year in high school and some of the quotes I had picked out for my senior book. Quotes about leadership, trust in the Lord and quotes about not minding how different I was from anyone else. She said,

"Haley, you have bravely pursued your own path in life, you should continue to walk it in the same way."

She reminded me that my name has changed but I haven't. It was a reminder I really needed.

Today I got my new Social Security card. When I saw Haley Madison Gay, I was over joyed. Seeing my name, officially the same as Zach's is the most wonderful feeling. I am honored that God chose me to be his wife. 

 From the moment that I was formed, God planned for me to have this name.

Tonight we sat on the couch and listened to songs that reminded us of our journey. Sad songs from when we were apart and fun songs from being together. We danced and ate, watched tv and played video games.

We're a family. 

God gave me a renewed spirit of hope, excitement and assurance that Haley Gay is going to be the best 'Haley' yet. 

joy comes in the morning

I knew Zach's brother Nick, before I knew Zach. In knowing Nick you realize that it isn't always the easiest task to learn about his life. It seems he would rather ask questions to provoke thought in the people around him rather than talk about himself. He is one of the best listeners I have ever met. It appeared as if Nick never really wanted to share what was going on with him. And in some ways, didn't think there was anything special to say.

 That was until he met Claire.

The girl who turned my brother in law's life around. The girl who had Nick sharing his feelings about her, to the people in his life, from the first day they met. The girl who walked into our family game night of dirty charades and completely dominated. The girl who is an aunt to Avery and will be the mother to Nick's children. She's our Tory Burch girl, our volleyball girl and our only brunette girl. But most importantly she is the woman that makes Nick want to share all of who he is, for all of his life. She gave him something he didn't even know he needed. 
Through the trials and heartbreak they both experienced in their paths of life, the Lord created them into the people they needed for each other. They knew, right away that this was the one they had been waiting for. 

Their engagement is a public announcement of what they have both known for a while now and what they have both desired their entire lives.  

In marrying Zach, I gained an incredible sister in law. She is one of the sweetest people I know and I absolutely love spending time with her. I thought getting one incredible new sister was a blessing enough but God has blessed me with one more. Claire is someone who is honest and intentional with her words. She doesn't shy away from difficult conversations and is someone that you want to seek counsel from. She loves God and when you meet her, you can feel the spirit of peace that she carries. Most of all, it is so incredibly clear how much she loves and cares about our brother and there is nothing more a family could want or ask for. 

Love y'all so much
(the title is because he proposed at sunrise)

-Hay

the longing

In preparing for marriage, a lot of "warnings" come your way. Which is understandable, seeing as marriage, in our society, has gotten a bad reputation of not working. I haven't been married for long and I am in no way claiming to know the secret, but I do know the longing. To long for something is to have a yearning desire for it. In the heat of being in love, the longing for your person is the easy part, wanting them all day, every day comes so naturally, we can't imagine a day where we'll have to work for that passion. But through all of the advice and examples of marriage, it is clear, that even in the most devoted unions, there are days of having to push for the connection and having to work for the intimacies of marriage. But you see that the difference lies in the marriages that find hope and endurance in the times of difficulty and hard work. 

 My mind goes back to the longings in our lives and in marriage.

We long to find the person that we will marry, by the time that we have picked out. We desire stability and comfortability, we long for children to come to us exactly how and when we planned for them to, we long for our husbands to be successful and our wives to be respectful. These desires are not bad to want, but so many times, we find ourselves wrapped up in a depression of our own longings when they don't come through time and time again.

Somewhere along the way, we have equated happiness with receiving exactly what we have longed for, in the exact time that we wanted it. In only finding joy in the achievement of these longings, we are missing out on the process. The prize is not only in the promises that God gives us, it is in the process of getting to them.  Learning to find rest in the process is the most difficult challenge I face some days. Zach has had to teach me about the concept of holding hands. It sounds ridiculous, but I have just never been into hand holding. I never saw the point, until one day, Z said " I just want to feel you next to me." Sometimes we are walking through a season in life where we know, that it is going to keep getting worse before it gets better and it is then, in that process, that the Father wants His children to feel Him walking through the fire with them. 

“It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from.”

- C.S. Lewis

-Haley Gay

the path we had to walk

This story starts with an open and honest confession by a lionhearted man.

We were in the Dominican Republic for a week. We were on our honeymoon, and like most weeks spent in a paradise, there wasn't a ton of "serious" conversation happening. On day three we were walking to the pool and Zach looked at me and said "I'm feeling uneasy about going to England." I was caught off guard. I had been feeling scared and unsure about it also, but since we had already made the decision, I wasn't going to share those feelings. I didn't think there was a reason too. After he said that, being my kind-hearted self I said, "let's not talk about that." genius. After our honeymoon we got to D.C. on a Sunday night. Zach didn't have work until Friday so on Thursday night we went to dinner. That whole week, we had been having fun, going out and still pretending we were on vacation. But when Thursday night came, we both had the same thing on our hearts. England. Moving. Stress. Jesus. Z opened up to me about the ways he had been praying and about the confusion he had. His honesty pushed me into honesty. I told him I was feeling fearful and scared that we might have made the wrong choice. 

For him, their was insecurity and fear that he was possibly leading us in the wrong direction. 

We (me) panicked a little bit. I started feeling hot, my pits were sweating and I was waving down our waitress for another glass of wine so ferociously, it's as if I were choking and she was the only person who could help me breathe again. I looked at Zach with a face of chaos and confusion. He held my hand across the table and reminded me of something we have had to remind each other our entire relationship. We have never been in control of our lives and we are not in control now. It's so true. We can make one hundred wrong decisions and in God's love, He will still get us to where He wants us. 

If we ever think we have arrived in a season of great blessing in our lives, by our own actions, then we do not have a clear understanding of the grace and character of God. 

During that dinner, we decided that when Zach went to work the next day he would ask about no longer going to England. When he left that Friday morning for work, he didn't say 'cross your fingers' or 'I hope this works out.' He said, "Pray for God's will." so i did. Zach called me that afternoon and told me that since he had already turned in his extension papers there was no going back and that we were for sure going to England in January.When he got home that night, he hugged me and acted excited about the confirmation God had given us. Then he said that he had something else he wanted to share with me. He explained that he had found out that his deployment rate was going to be at 75% when we got there. Which basically means that during the three years of living in England, Zach would have a 75% chance of being deployed.my heart sunk and my mind raged. I was so upset, I kept thinking

 'I will move anywhere God but I did not marry Zach to spend more time away from him.'  

Weekends are awesome for Z and I, we get to hang out and have so much fun, but that weekend was clouded with my unbelief. I felt so scared. On that Sunday morning, we went to church and it was about how God hears us even when we don't think that He does (of course it was). We went to brunch with open eyes and open hearts. I repented for my distrust in the Lord and we had a meal, thanking God for clarity and asking for continued obedience to Him during the move.

Then Monday got here. I got a call from Zach around 10 am..."I just got an email saying that they lost my extension paperwork." They lost it. Zach met with a top guy from that office and he said he couldn't explain what happened to the paperwork over the weekend, but that we can now stay in D.C. We thought of Abraham taking Isaac to be sacrificed. Our situation is on a smaller scale but we believe that above all, God just wants our hearts to be obedient and trust that He really is working things out for our good. When I begged God to let us stay, He heard me but He had to take us down the path that we went on, to show me how to trust in Him even when it doesn't look like the outcome will be what I asked for. 

One of my favorite worship songs says "i will climb this mountain with my hands wide open." I love it because that doesn't make sense. In climbing up a mountain, I would want to use my hands. But even if I don't use them, I don't think I would want to just keep them wide open. For a child of God, this life can really seem like an uphill climb. We want to attack every problem and situation with both hands, trying to fix it, or mold it or conquer it and at the same time, we use those hands to bury our face. Bury our face of tears, stress and anguish because we don't understand what God is doing, and we NEED God to understand that we are doing our best. And over and over again, God humbles us to realize, that's exactly the point.

He allows us to be apart of His work but He does not NEED our hands to fix anything.

His hands have already taken the beating so that ours can be still. We walk up the mountains in our lives with our arms stretched out and hands wide open because it was never the strength of our hands getting us to the top, in the first place.

-Haley

*that song is Climb by Will Reagan*

our first home...for longer than we thought

I want to share the full story of how God is keeping us in D.C. instead of heading across the pond. I want to be able to share that proccess with as much grace as the Lord gave us through the change of plans...so that blog will come soon. For tonight I just want to share our wonderful, precious and little first home. My parents were here this weekend and helped us put everything together and made it feel truly like home!

welcome to apartment #2

AMAZING gift from the Griffiths! So in love with it

we love wedding gifts

haha

new dressers, thanks mom and dad!

love my backpack laundry bag!

as we leave, always remember

-Hay