This story starts with an open and honest confession by a lionhearted man.
We were in the Dominican Republic for a week. We were on our honeymoon, and like most weeks spent in a paradise, there wasn't a ton of "serious" conversation happening. On day three we were walking to the pool and Zach looked at me and said "I'm feeling uneasy about going to England." I was caught off guard. I had been feeling scared and unsure about it also, but since we had already made the decision, I wasn't going to share those feelings. I didn't think there was a reason too. After he said that, being my kind-hearted self I said, "let's not talk about that." genius. After our honeymoon we got to D.C. on a Sunday night. Zach didn't have work until Friday so on Thursday night we went to dinner. That whole week, we had been having fun, going out and still pretending we were on vacation. But when Thursday night came, we both had the same thing on our hearts. England. Moving. Stress. Jesus. Z opened up to me about the ways he had been praying and about the confusion he had. His honesty pushed me into honesty. I told him I was feeling fearful and scared that we might have made the wrong choice.
For him, their was insecurity and fear that he was possibly leading us in the wrong direction.
We (me) panicked a little bit. I started feeling hot, my pits were sweating and I was waving down our waitress for another glass of wine so ferociously, it's as if I were choking and she was the only person who could help me breathe again. I looked at Zach with a face of chaos and confusion. He held my hand across the table and reminded me of something we have had to remind each other our entire relationship. We have never been in control of our lives and we are not in control now. It's so true. We can make one hundred wrong decisions and in God's love, He will still get us to where He wants us.
If we ever think we have arrived in a season of great blessing in our lives, by our own actions, then we do not have a clear understanding of the grace and character of God.
During that dinner, we decided that when Zach went to work the next day he would ask about no longer going to England. When he left that Friday morning for work, he didn't say 'cross your fingers' or 'I hope this works out.' He said, "Pray for God's will." so i did. Zach called me that afternoon and told me that since he had already turned in his extension papers there was no going back and that we were for sure going to England in January.When he got home that night, he hugged me and acted excited about the confirmation God had given us. Then he said that he had something else he wanted to share with me. He explained that he had found out that his deployment rate was going to be at 75% when we got there. Which basically means that during the three years of living in England, Zach would have a 75% chance of being deployed.my heart sunk and my mind raged. I was so upset, I kept thinking
'I will move anywhere God but I did not marry Zach to spend more time away from him.'
Weekends are awesome for Z and I, we get to hang out and have so much fun, but that weekend was clouded with my unbelief. I felt so scared. On that Sunday morning, we went to church and it was about how God hears us even when we don't think that He does (of course it was). We went to brunch with open eyes and open hearts. I repented for my distrust in the Lord and we had a meal, thanking God for clarity and asking for continued obedience to Him during the move.
Then Monday got here. I got a call from Zach around 10 am..."I just got an email saying that they lost my extension paperwork." They lost it. Zach met with a top guy from that office and he said he couldn't explain what happened to the paperwork over the weekend, but that we can now stay in D.C. We thought of Abraham taking Isaac to be sacrificed. Our situation is on a smaller scale but we believe that above all, God just wants our hearts to be obedient and trust that He really is working things out for our good. When I begged God to let us stay, He heard me but He had to take us down the path that we went on, to show me how to trust in Him even when it doesn't look like the outcome will be what I asked for.
One of my favorite worship songs says "i will climb this mountain with my hands wide open." I love it because that doesn't make sense. In climbing up a mountain, I would want to use my hands. But even if I don't use them, I don't think I would want to just keep them wide open. For a child of God, this life can really seem like an uphill climb. We want to attack every problem and situation with both hands, trying to fix it, or mold it or conquer it and at the same time, we use those hands to bury our face. Bury our face of tears, stress and anguish because we don't understand what God is doing, and we NEED God to understand that we are doing our best. And over and over again, God humbles us to realize, that's exactly the point.
He allows us to be apart of His work but He does not NEED our hands to fix anything.
His hands have already taken the beating so that ours can be still. We walk up the mountains in our lives with our arms stretched out and hands wide open because it was never the strength of our hands getting us to the top, in the first place.
-Haley
*that song is Climb by Will Reagan*
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