knowing without feelings

this week my sister emailed these words to me.

her obedience in sharing her heart has me floored.

speaking about issues that people are to ashamed or scared to talk about,

is how we help each other to not feel so alone!

so i share her words with you now,

they are honest and real.

truth is the only way to freedom

There have been many seasons in my life of wandering, being disconnected from the Lord and broken. Empty. Through practice, i have become familiar with how to find my way out of this "Christian slump". But lately i have experienced something that i have never felt before, an unfamiliar disconnection from Jesus. In the past 6 weeks i have not desired Him. I have not wanted to pray, read, sing, anything. The most frustrating part is that i know the fulfillment found in the presence of God, I know the passion of a Son who would give up His relationship with a Holy and Perfect Father, so that i could experience that relationship, and i know the purest of joy that is found in the will of the Father. But my heart does not seem to care. 

 

It does not make sense. How can i say that i know the goodness of God, but not intensely desire Him?

i have asked God, "please change my heart for me because i do not want to change." This type of wandering is entirely new to me. Foreign. And what amazes me most, is the faithfulness God continues to have with me. Tonight my friend Molly and her friend Dylan came to Waco to see David Ramirez perform. After being with Molly for maybe 30 minutes i felt my wall begin to crack. It was simple, not a drastic break through, but a start. i felt myself longing to be with Jesus. I was overwhelmed by the work the Spirit did in my heart from the light that radiates from molly. God used her, mixed with an honest conversation with Faith (a Baylor best friend) and David's lyrics (not a Christian artist) to remind me that He has not stopped chasing me. I opened up, telling Molly and this stranger Dylan, exactly where I was at. The intentionality of Christ in our lives is unbelievable! …Dylan is exactly where i am. The odds of me ever meeting this kid outside of this night are so slim, but likeliness is not an issue for God. We have a faithful God. 

Tonight i grasped that Jesus' love for me has nothing to do with me. If it did I would be in trouble. Jesus purposefully pursues me, even when i a not pursuing Him. …how can my heart just not care?! 

I would be lying to say that my heart did a 180 tonight, but i can say that i am fully confident that this is only a phase. 

Meeting Dylan tonight showed me that when you are vulnerable, God can use your pain to heal others. He can do such intense work, with such simple words. In Mark chapter 5 a woman reaches out to touch Jesus because she has faith that just touching Him will heal her, and it did instantly. Instantly Jesus knows that power has left Him and he turns looking for the one who touched Him. When we reach out in faith, God is not slow to respond. He anxiously waits for us to cry out, for us to come home. We are the lost son, and our return is celebrated…no matter where we are coming from. I do not share this ugly truth about my heart for any reason other than i hope to be an aid in healing whoever Jesus was thinking of when He gave me the desire to share it. 

-Taylor Lemons

the knot

last weekend we were with zach's brother and his fiance.

this weekend my sisters were in town.

tonight our hearts are aching for texas.

our families are such a gift to us. messy and real and funny, oh so funny.

if you spend time with us, in a matter of three hours

you will probably witness

laughter, a serious conversation, hugs, a couple of fights and more laughter. it's great.

when time spent together is so rare, it is so valued.

Zach's brother is getting married in july

and so it was awesome to spend quality, one on one time with them.

my sisters being here for easter was wonderful.

God knows how to refresh my soul.

after every airport goodbye, i cry

for so long, i was leaving zach there.

and i would go back to my life and have a constant knot in my stomach.

i felt his absence all the time.

this time i did the drop off at the airport, cried

and then looked down at my phone to a perfectly timed text message.

a mini love letter from my Z.

and though i cried and miss them so much, i didn't get the knot.

i am able to have a heart of thankfulness for seeing them and having them in my life.

i can appreciate the time we spent together and look forward to seeing them again.

because now i go home to my husband,

my family.

-haleygay

the distance

As most of you know, i have a pretty substantial history with long distance relationships.
If you aren't aware of my resume, during the course of mine and zach's three year relationship, we lived in the same town for three months, the first three months of dating. The rest was endured, physically separate. Now I find myself in a situation that I so intensely longed for. I'm with my husband, I see him everyday, we kiss and hug whenever the hell we want. It's incredible. But in this time of saying goodbye to the miles that separated us, I have entered into a season of all new long distance relationships.
In the time leading up to my wedding day, my family, friends and I, knew that becoming a wife wasn't the only change happening that day. It was goodbye. The day after I said my vows, I headed to the Dominican Republic for a week and then from there, to my new home in virginia.
Just like that, I was gone.
In the midst of pure joy and excitement, came the pain of being away from people so close to my heart. I found myself, once again in the challenge of long distance relationship.
Zach and I apparently beat the odds. During that time, the Lord hid my eyes from the statistics of success, in couples that were apart for so long. It's not good. And I believe it is the same for the rest of the relationships in our lives. Putting miles between you and those that are in your life will teach you a lot.
It will show you who cares about you and who you truly care for. Because distance equals work.
And we aren't used to that. Work.
Before I experienced this perspective, the relationships I most valued in life were the ones that were convenient, with people who were always there. The nature of comfortability and availability in most relationships brings out a certain laziness. So all of the sudden, I am 1300 miles away, convenience is gone and it's time to dig in and pursue relationships in a serious way. That means talking on the phone until 3am because your best friend is feeling rejected and unsure of what to do next. Or having a wine night over facetime. It means calling my mom and checking in with dad. Snapchatting the dumbest things and knowing what is happening in their lives. Covering them in prayer. Sending texts, voicemails and packages just to remind them that they are not forgotten about. These are some examples of what the people in my life have done for me and it is an incredible feeling, to know that you are loved from so far away.
In a lot of ways, being in long distance relationships teaches me about how I should always treat the people in my life. Why does it take being in a different time zone, for me to pursue those I love?
Being apart is painful and can really suck.
We are called to love one another and distance opens up an avenue to obey that calling in so many ways that we never thought before.
But if you are blessed enough to be near the people that you love. Don't take it for granted. Be intentional. Look at someone in your life, who you see all the time and tell them how much they are valued. Send a surprise gift to a friend who brings so much joy to your life, even if they are your next door neighbor! It's not cheesy, it is necessary. Loving one another with passion is how God showed us to love, it is His design.

-hay

long distance gift i was blessed with today 

living in the fruits of the most difficult time

a new reality

seven months ago, i started this journey. being a wife and living in nova (northern virginia). finished with my academic career and now spending my time thinking of ways to actually participate in the world instead of going to class, reading books and taking test to "prepare myself for it."

actually, it is a completely new way of life. for most of my years before now, my entire existence was about getting myself to the next step. i absolutely believe that every one of those steps were God ordained but nonetheless, they were to achieve goals of mine. there is nothing wrong with that, but i now live in a new way. my life is not just about what i can do to make my goals and dreams come true.

i am not saying i no longer have goals and dreams.

and i am not saying they wont come true.

but what i am saying is that before now, my dreams and goals were the most important thing to me. and that has changed. my dream and goal is for all of zach's dreams to come true.

even if that means sacrificing my own.

this is one of my highest callings in marriage. i get to delight in my husband and not just when it is easy.

In fact, i am writing this in a time of difficulty for him. But through it, God has reminded me of my role in Zach's heart. 

if he is feeling under appreciated at work, he will come home to a place that reminds him of his immense value.

I am never going to be perfect but i know that

I am here to build him up, not drag him down,

to speak life and not death.

God has given me the privilege and responsibility of being his helpmate.

When zach first moved up here by himself three years ago, he really struggled and if i didn't play college softball, zach and i could have gotten married and been together much earlier.

zach wouldn't have been so alone.

but he never let me entertain the thought of leaving. he didn't allow what he wanted to stand in the way of fulfilling my dream. before zach, i was selfish in a lot of ways.

he led me by example into a relationship that lives in an unselfish reality. 

-haley