the weight we don't have to carry

Being alone is different than being lonely.

That might be an obvious observation to some, but not for me. Spending time by myself wasn't something I was very familiar with, at all. In the past four years, the only time I've spent alone was while sleeping, or the occasional four hour car ride, to Dallas from San Marcos. I didn't realize my lack of alone time experience, until I was plunged into an overload of it. 

At first, it was relaxing.

I slept in and worked out, explored the city and was wondering what life would be like now.

And then it stopped being amusing.

I started losing my self confidence, questioning my purpose and why I had to be here. The contradictory emotions of being so happy to finally be with Zach and being miserable during the five days a week he worked, were an impossibility to balance. In just a few short weeks, spending time alone led to a very depressing weight of loneliness on my heart. 

It covered me.

It was chicken pox and mono at the same time.

I felt it on my skin and inside my body.

It cast a shadow over me even when I was around others and when I was with Zach. I felt like I was completely losing myself.

It is scary, feeling like a victim to your own mind.

 But it's then that I realized, that's exactly what it was, my mind.

I may not be sure of my exact purpose right now, but I do know that I was not created to sit by passively as negativity and hate poisoned me. I was not made to feel worthless.

I was not knit together so that the enemy could tear me apart. 

I am designed to be strong and courageous. I am the head, not the tail. I have a lion's heart and the love of the God who gave it to me.

Feelings of lonliness, doubt and fear will never be completely eradicated because of the world that we live in, and trials of all kinds will take a toll on the mind and the body.

But sitting, fearfully in our circumstances is an option that should be taken off the table when we have been given the grace to sit with the Father of lights.

He is better.

-hay

in the garden

marriage began in a garden

with no gathering of guests or eating of cake

there was one man

this man worked and toiled the land God had given,

he was created with hands to provide for himself, to aid in his survival

but it still wasn't good

he had every beauty where he lived,

the whole world in front of him

but it wasn't enough,

he was surrounded with life of all kinds 

but the Creator knows His creation in every way,

He knows their wants and needs,

He knows His creation, 

 man

had a need that had not yet come to form

the creation needed closeness,

intimacy

and the Creator showed off His creativity

He took from His creation,

He took something from the man to create something for the man

from the ground the Creator brought about trees and plants, rivers and animals

from the dust of the earth He made man

but in this case of creation

the Creator did not create something out of nothing

He created from His own creation

He made a woman from one rib of a man

He made a wife out of the very bone of her husband

their union was not of word or speech

but of flesh and bone

unashamed

possible to break or tear

but impossible to separate

this marriage would soon come to know troubled times,

as all do

with disorder and chaos on the horizon

they always had the memory of their beginning

in the garden