Being alone is different than being lonely.
That might be an obvious observation to some, but not for me. Spending time by myself wasn't something I was very familiar with, at all. In the past four years, the only time I've spent alone was while sleeping, or the occasional four hour car ride, to Dallas from San Marcos. I didn't realize my lack of alone time experience, until I was plunged into an overload of it.
At first, it was relaxing.
I slept in and worked out, explored the city and was wondering what life would be like now.
And then it stopped being amusing.
I started losing my self confidence, questioning my purpose and why I had to be here. The contradictory emotions of being so happy to finally be with Zach and being miserable during the five days a week he worked, were an impossibility to balance. In just a few short weeks, spending time alone led to a very depressing weight of loneliness on my heart.
It covered me.
It was chicken pox and mono at the same time.
I felt it on my skin and inside my body.
It cast a shadow over me even when I was around others and when I was with Zach. I felt like I was completely losing myself.
It is scary, feeling like a victim to your own mind.
But it's then that I realized, that's exactly what it was, my mind.
I may not be sure of my exact purpose right now, but I do know that I was not created to sit by passively as negativity and hate poisoned me. I was not made to feel worthless.
I was not knit together so that the enemy could tear me apart.
I am designed to be strong and courageous. I am the head, not the tail. I have a lion's heart and the love of the God who gave it to me.
Feelings of lonliness, doubt and fear will never be completely eradicated because of the world that we live in, and trials of all kinds will take a toll on the mind and the body.
But sitting, fearfully in our circumstances is an option that should be taken off the table when we have been given the grace to sit with the Father of lights.
He is better.
-hay
No comments:
Post a Comment