Real

“I love it because it is so real”

A good friend of mine said that to me today

about a new church she is going to.

The opposite of real,

is fake.

However, i feel like the word fake is harsh by nature.

so i'm thinking more along the lines of

not completely transparent.

I love the word transparent.

This is included in it's definition--

allowing light to pass through--crystal clear.

The most meaningful encounters in my life have been

when transparency is present.

And i feel like that is what most of us desire

so deeply;

for someone to just be real with us!

'hi how are you?'

'good, how are you?'

'good'

I do that almost every day of my life,

as most of us do.

The problem occurs when you get to a point in your life where

you are never going past that point,

with anyone. 

A lack of transparent encounters in our lives is toxic

to our souls. 

It's NOT an all day, everyday thing

(that's to much)

you have to choose a person or people that you are real with. 

There's nothing wrong with posting the freaking adorable

pictures of your husband/wife/babies/friends

(hello, i'm the queen of it)

but there also has to be a part of life where you call your person

and say 'i need you to pray for my marriage, we're having a rough week.'

or

'i'm feeling really lonely, will you come have a drink with me'

We are so afraid of being judged that we forget,

we all have moments like this.

I had a conversation with someone who was saying

she felt like it was being disrespectful to her husband

'airing their dirty laundry'

My response--

'How will the laundry ever get cleaned, if you don't air it somewhere

other than where the dirt is?'

Obviously there are things between a marriage, a family, a friend, etc. 

that are deeply personal and those boundaries need to be respected. 

However, the Lord is an advocate for community.

He designed for us to live involved with one another.

This might sound a little ridiculous but some of this

is inspired by a celebrity couple announcing a divorce last week.

You might not know who I'm talking about so here's a quick background.

Kaley Cuoco (Penny from Big Bang Theory) married a tennis player

and I have followed them on instagram the whole time.

They seemed so obsessed with each other and always posted stuff like,

'this is what a strong marriage looks like' and

'the married side of life is the best side of life'

A week ago, after being married for 21 months,

they announced their divorce.

Now I know they are celebrities and celebrities tend

to treat marriage like Coachella,

(fun while it lasted but now that i'm tired and chaffing,

it's time to move on).

But it really made me think.

We put the adorable stuff out their for everyone to see

but how is the heartbeat of my marriage?

Am i giving more attention to my caption

than to my husband? 

And also, is there someone close to me who is drowning

in their own lack of transparency? 

A lot of us don't even know where to start.

You know that you feel a certain way,

but aren't sure how to say it.

And definitely aren't sure if you'll be judged for just being

real.

Wether you are single and struggling with purity,

a new parent feeling like you suck at this,

a married person feeling lonely or

a married person who is so obsessed you don't even know

how you could possibly love someone more.

You could be dating someone and don't want to get married

or someone who is thinking about quitting your job to be

with your babies more. 

Life is real and no matter where we are at,

we need to air it out.

The good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing, the difficutly, the hard, the struggle,

the real.

That's the only way to keep our souls where they should be,

allowing The Light to pass through.

-Haley

familiar

Three years ago I was a college student, struggling under the weight of a long career and a long distance relationship.

Two years ago, I was a newlywed in a new town.

One year ago I spent a week going to a show every night and then the weekend getting tipsy at a winery with my best friend.

Today I sit with that same best friend in our home, in a very familiar town.

I type as he plays video games and both of us have that, now familiar hum in our ear from the little box that lets us watch our baby sleep.

The consistency of her sound machine and an assortment of spotify songs is interrupted by a voice saying

‘Hay, you’re beautiful’.

We’ve been together a total of five years and there has not been one day where he has not spoken those words to me.

We are fortunate to have examples of long marriages surrounding us.

Zach’s grandparents will celebrate 65 years together next May.

We got to be with them this past weekend.

We played dominos, cards and talked into the middle of the night.

Mommom has told me that she always loved Pop’s ‘skinny basketball legs’.

And if you’re ever around Pop for a good amount of time, he will tell you how mommom has always been the prettiest woman in the room.

I love to think about when they were just two years married and where we will be 63 years from now.

I don’t have a perfect marriage and my baby cries

but there is no other reality that I would ever want to live in.

-Hay

Two Years married 

all your ways

SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM!

may we never lose our wonder

wide eyed and mystified

may we be just like a child

staring at the beauty of our King.

This is Zizi’s favorite song.

If she is stressed out in her car seat,

I put this song on and it soothes her,

every time.

Its goes on to say,

You are beautiful in all your ways

You are beautiful in all your ways

You fascinate us

You fascinate me

We listen to this almost every time we get in the car

And I realize that my ten week old is teaching me something.

There are so many circumstances in life that get me

distracted and upset.

Sometimes as a mom, I find myself in this weird,

constant state of worry.

My thought process during the 60 seconds it takes to change her diaper-

“I wonder if I should ask the doctor

about the little rash on her eye?

Did I switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer?

What am I going to buy Zach for our anniversary?

what the hell am i going to wear?

I hate my body right now,

No you don’t

it produced this sweet angel and

she is so worth these stretch marks

and c section scar

and the extra 15 pounds.

Of course she is!

I’m getting a trainer

I’m going Paleo tomorrow.

I think I should homeschool my kids.”

What you just read is a mixture of attention deficit disorder

and lack of trust in the Lord.

When I am overwhelmed and thinking about so many things,

I have to speak those lyrics over myself.

Instead of looking at all the mess

and focusing on the doubt,

stare at the King.

Instead of obsessing negatively over how much my appearance has changed,

You are beautiful in all your ways

You fascinate me

You are beautiful in ALL your ways.

Just as they soothe Zizi’s screams,

they soothe my soul.

The words we speak over ourselves and others

MATTER.

they matter in the classroom,

they matter as parents,

they matter in the workplace,

they matter in your marriage,

they matter.

I hope to use mine, not to tear down

but to build up.

-hay

ZVG

On Thursday, June 4^th I went to concert on the lake with my family. I was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We went home and Zach went to sleep while my sister and I stayed up watching TV. That’s when I had my first contraction. They were about every 15 minutes so I was able to go to sleep but was woken up with a few in the middle of the night. I woke up around 7:00 and told Zach that I wanted to go to my parent’s house and get in their big bathtub. Zach totally kicked his ass into gear. In 5 minutes he had everything ready and loaded into the car. I kept grabbing things last minute and then out of nowhere I decided I wanted to make our bed because if the next time we were going to be home was with our baby I wanted the house to “be clean”. This made Zach very anxious but nonetheless, we made the bed and then headed to my parent’s house 10 minutes away. I had a contraction in their driveway. At this point, I’m thinking this has got be the real deal. Then Zach looked at me and both of us were definitely on the same page. We walked in the house and my parents were still asleep. I yell “hello! I’m taking a bath!” They’re awake now. I walked to the kitchen to get some water. My dad was already up making sure his cameras were charged and Zach was getting some stuff out of the car. My mom was running my bath and as I took my first two steps into her bathroom I felt water running down my leg. My water was breaking. I laid down on their bed and told Zach I still wanted to get in the bath but he called the doctor and she told us to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital, they put me in a robe, checked to see if I was dilated and boom my water broke FULLY. It was 8:30 and I was in labor. I decided very early in my pregnancy that I wanted to have a natural birth.  I labored naturally from 8:30am-5pm. Zach was with me every step of the way. He never stopped encouraging and supporting me. The doctor came in at 3:00 and told me that I had only dilated a centimeter more since 8:30. Zizi was head down but her face was up and she wasn’t moving down. At that point we decided to try Pitocin to try and get things progressing. The pain was REAL. At 4:30 the doctor came in and my contractions were consistent and strong. She checked me and I still had not dilated any more. As she started explaining why she felt like a c section might be the only way, I looked down and cried. Couldn’t stop crying. This was not my plan. My doctor got really close to me and said ‘this doesn’t mean you failed. You are not a failure.’ God was using her to speak to me and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t even aware of it. At 5pm I got an epidural, I dilated to a 10 in an hour and a half, tried to push but Zizi was not budging , they rolled me to the operating room, began the c section and we met our girl a little after 7pm. I was staring at my husband when I heard her cry for the first time and then we both looked and they were holding her up for us to see. At that point, I did not care how she got here, I was just so glad she was here. Zach got to go help clean her up and get her ready to go back to our room. When she was swaddled they brought her next to my face and I kissed her for the first time. Crying and overwhelmed I kissed Zach and laughed with so much joy. We could never imagine the love that would invade our entire being.

Photo by Shanon Zais

Zizi Virginia Gay is 5 weeks old now and she is more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.  She loves breastfeeding, tummy time and being awake in the middle of the night. She is our greatest treasure and the love of our lives!
-Haley

entrusted

I have yet to see you.

I haven’t listened to your voice or heard your cries.

I haven’t touched or held you in my arms,

And though I haven’t met you, I know you.

I love you.

I feel you and find it difficult to remember a time before you.

Your life exists inside of mine.

This will forever be ours.

I get to know what it’s like to carry your heart.

And on the day you begin your life outside of me,

you will know what it is like to carry mine.

You have made me a mom and

It is an honor to be entrusted with your life.