knowing without feelings

this week my sister emailed these words to me.

her obedience in sharing her heart has me floored.

speaking about issues that people are to ashamed or scared to talk about,

is how we help each other to not feel so alone!

so i share her words with you now,

they are honest and real.

truth is the only way to freedom

There have been many seasons in my life of wandering, being disconnected from the Lord and broken. Empty. Through practice, i have become familiar with how to find my way out of this "Christian slump". But lately i have experienced something that i have never felt before, an unfamiliar disconnection from Jesus. In the past 6 weeks i have not desired Him. I have not wanted to pray, read, sing, anything. The most frustrating part is that i know the fulfillment found in the presence of God, I know the passion of a Son who would give up His relationship with a Holy and Perfect Father, so that i could experience that relationship, and i know the purest of joy that is found in the will of the Father. But my heart does not seem to care. 

 

It does not make sense. How can i say that i know the goodness of God, but not intensely desire Him?

i have asked God, "please change my heart for me because i do not want to change." This type of wandering is entirely new to me. Foreign. And what amazes me most, is the faithfulness God continues to have with me. Tonight my friend Molly and her friend Dylan came to Waco to see David Ramirez perform. After being with Molly for maybe 30 minutes i felt my wall begin to crack. It was simple, not a drastic break through, but a start. i felt myself longing to be with Jesus. I was overwhelmed by the work the Spirit did in my heart from the light that radiates from molly. God used her, mixed with an honest conversation with Faith (a Baylor best friend) and David's lyrics (not a Christian artist) to remind me that He has not stopped chasing me. I opened up, telling Molly and this stranger Dylan, exactly where I was at. The intentionality of Christ in our lives is unbelievable! …Dylan is exactly where i am. The odds of me ever meeting this kid outside of this night are so slim, but likeliness is not an issue for God. We have a faithful God. 

Tonight i grasped that Jesus' love for me has nothing to do with me. If it did I would be in trouble. Jesus purposefully pursues me, even when i a not pursuing Him. …how can my heart just not care?! 

I would be lying to say that my heart did a 180 tonight, but i can say that i am fully confident that this is only a phase. 

Meeting Dylan tonight showed me that when you are vulnerable, God can use your pain to heal others. He can do such intense work, with such simple words. In Mark chapter 5 a woman reaches out to touch Jesus because she has faith that just touching Him will heal her, and it did instantly. Instantly Jesus knows that power has left Him and he turns looking for the one who touched Him. When we reach out in faith, God is not slow to respond. He anxiously waits for us to cry out, for us to come home. We are the lost son, and our return is celebrated…no matter where we are coming from. I do not share this ugly truth about my heart for any reason other than i hope to be an aid in healing whoever Jesus was thinking of when He gave me the desire to share it. 

-Taylor Lemons