it's not always easy but it's worth it

In one month from today I will be a married woman and Zach will be a married man. I have caught myself thinking a lot about our walk through engagement today. We have been engaged for a year and a half and it's been a tough year and a half. There's no reason to be anything but honest about life experiences. We fought, cried and I tried to pull away out of fear. God uses vulnerability as a powerful tool to enhance relationships and the devil tries to twist it into something terrifying. In God's definition, vulnerability is allowing yourself to be fully known and fully loved. The devil wants us to view vulnerability as a weakness that opens us up to heartbreak if someone finds out who we truly are. I was listening to the devil's lies. Thankfully, the Lord goes before us. The Lord knew that this would happen and knew he had to equip a man to hold on tighter when I was trying to emotionally pull away. The intense emotions that come with the territory of engagement manifested themselves in Zach, in the way that I needed. He had to dig in deeper and push through walls I didn't know I had. He had to have difficult conversations with me. His actions reflected an unwavering love that is hard for the natural mind to understand. In going through this, all of these things were not clear to me. It wasn't until I read a passage in Ruth, that it clicked. This story is about Naomi and Ruth, a mother in law and daughter in law but the love and commitment resonates so much with Zach and I. Naomi is the mother in law and her son (Ruth's husband) dies. Even though Ruth argues, Naomi tells Ruth to go and find another husband so that she can have a full life. Naomi is hurting, she has lost her husband and both of her sons, she even says that God has gone against her. She has no clue who is going to provide for her or what the rest of her life will look like. She is insecure about her vulnerable state. In her pleading for Ruth to leave her, for her own good, Ruth says,

"Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.” (Ruth 1:16-17)

I can just see Ruth putting her hands on Naomi's shoulders and shaking her, saying just stop telling me to leave. No matter what your life looks like, no matter who you are becoming and no matter what happens I am not leaving and I never will. It took a strong, honest and vulnerable voice for Naomi to accept and allow the love and commitment Ruth was offering. I relate to that so deeply. Z showed me the unending love of God when I didn't deserve it. In my times of lonliness and insecurity Zach reminded me that the Father goes before us and will never leave or forsake us. 

-Hay