seeking

a definition for seek is to endeavor to obtain or reach. 

To say I struggled during my first grocery trip as a wife is an understatement. A huge understatement. To remind you all, I just graduated from Texas State University, where I spent four years grocery shopping. This isn't foreign territory to me. This grocery trip took place this past Thursday. Life had been crazy when Z and I got back from our honeymoon with trying to unpack everything and set up our apartment. By Thursday, we had been home for four days, had the kitchen set up and I decided that it was time for me to go to the store and cook dinner for us. Zach was setting up stuff for our living room so I was totally cool with going alone...until i got there. When I stepped in the door of 'Giant' grocery store I panicked. I thought about what kind of dinner I would make, then the thought "this is the first dinner you're making for Zach...oh my gosh, it has to be good!" followed by "I shouldn't spend to much money, I should definitely try to not spend a lot of money!" This is my thought process in the first thirty seconds of being at Giant. I then walk over to the produce...and the next thirty minutes gets a little blurry. Not sure if this lack of memory is due to the stress I had created in this situation or my attention deficit disorder but either way this story gets funnier before it gets productive. I recall not being able to find any plastic bags for produce so I gave up on that. In the next memory, I'm walking up and down the aisles contemplating how my mom does this so easily and also strongly considering curling up in a ball in my empty grocery basket. My mind came back to me when I saw pita chips..that's right, a bag of pita chips was my comfort in that moment. I had been at the store for almost thirty minutes and had one bag of pita chips in my cart. I stopped. Prayed. and had a realization. I wasn't scared of this grocery store, I was scared of failing. I know it might sound dramatic, but for me this felt like the first "wife" thing I was doing and I was scared of messing it up. I eventually took a deep breath and finished the trip. I got home, made dinner and nervously sat down to eat with Z.

^This photo is called- I wish my mom was here ^

I don't know if that first dinner was truly good or not

 but my husband made me feel like it was the best thing he's ever tasted. 

A couple of different things have come up since then, where I put pressure on myself to be an "awesome" wife and it just ends up being stressful. 

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

My desire is to be a great wife, to be a wife who makes her husband's life easier and full of love. On Sunday, I was sitting in church with my husband and felt the Lord telling me, that seeking to be a great wife will not make me a great wife. The verse doesn't command to seek the kingdom of God about a certain situation, job or relationship. It commands, that before anything, seek FIRST the kingdom of God and His righteousness. I had it backwards. I was seeking to be the best, godly wife I could be and then seeking God about being His daughter. By seeking the Kingdom and the heart of God FIRST, I will become a wife that Zach needs. A wife that desires the nearness of the Father before the nearness of her husband. 

A day like today puts this into perspective. Hearing on the news that there had been a shooting on a  military base in D.C. was terrifying. Looking to Jesus and praying for the safety of my husband consumed most of my day. The Navy Yard is very close to National Community Church, where Zach and I go and we have been continually praying for everyone hurt by this tragedy. 

my hero

In the natural mind, we cannot make sense of things like this. We shouldn't even try because a rationale will not come. With a tragedy in any of our lives we can try to seek justice or revenge but it will not satisfy us. When Zach got home today we embraced differently, it was one of thankfulness and relief. Z reminded me, that a couple of months ago, the first apartments we looked at and were interested in were the Navy Yard Apartments, right next door to the tragedy today. The sovereignty of God is not something we were made to understand, it is something that we were made to trust in. 

-Hay