an unfair love

In six months of being married, i have learned a lot.

i have learned that..

he can't read my mind and will never be able to.

sarcasm makes the fight worse.

it is okay to disappoint each other.

and that God made me for this man in such a specific way.

However, in this short time the biggest and possibly

most important lesson has been to remember that

there was no if  in my marriage vows.

At my wedding I didn't say,

"when you are sick I will take care of you IF you take care of me when I'm sick"

or "I will faithfully walk with you IF you faithfully walk with me."

Although I professed everything before the if ,

my actions, in so many situations have been focused on the if.

My kindness, respect and affection towards Zach, can so many times,

rely on if he is showing those things to me.

Because, for some reason, I have never been able to get

over the concept of "what is fair." 

Even at an early age, I can remember judging everything

based on a scale of fair or not fair and that would determine my actions.

When I was twelve, my scale got completely tipped over and mixed up.

A story of a loving God, becoming a perfect man, for the purpose of

taking all of my imperfections and unfairness towards others,

being punished and dying for them,

so that I would never have to face that fate. 

This was hard for me to grasp.

It was the most unfair thing I had ever heard and I truly did search for the why.

Why would God do this?

It didn't make sense because it just isn't how our world works.

Innocent people don't give up their lives for guilty people.

The answer became clear through the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit,

That may not be how the world works but that is how the love of God works.

To love someone, means not living for what is fair to you but for what is best for them. 

When my actions towards Zach are based on his actions towards me,

I am not loving him with the love of God and I am not loving him in the

way that I vowed I would.

This is something I will never be perfect at. It isn't in our nature.

I am blessed to have a man who loves God and prays through

these challenge along side of me. 

Renewing vows is something that people do for their anniversary

but in this household,

I find myself needing to renew them in my head daily.

I will not treat my husband based on what I think is fair

but in the way that the Father has shown me.

With a beautiful and unfair love.

-haley

exchanging our vows